Fall, holidays, and coping

So I'm told the first year is the hardest. I hope so. Ive been feeling ok, now with Halloween, and the cold weather I'm starting to have more moments of, well greif. It's not irrational greif just that empty, almost guilty feeling in your stomach. I have times when I'm moving on, lol right, that's what I tell myself at the time and I feel great til the moments of reality hit me. I keep waiting for the energy to do something productive and positive yet I fall into distraction that feels destructive in the end. I cant help but wonder if anyone will ever really care the way he did, yes we had a toxic relationship but he was always there when the disaster really hit. I just feel abandoned, which causes me to abandon my true self, I'm like a roller coster of crazy emotions!